This is how you feminist ally.
“Hey guy friends, read this (yeah it’s long):
So you’ve heard about the misogynist shooter at UCSB, and his public statements that he killed women (and guys he saw as having ‘unfair access’ to women’s bodies) because he felt like he deserved sex and attention from women, and felt entitled to revenge when the women around him understandably stayed the fuck away from his creepy self.
What he did was way more extreme than anything 99.99% of men will ever do, but our culture endorses his basic premise, and we’re the ones who should really be challenging that. This guy was steeped in a culture that told him it’s OK to get mad at women who turn you down, that girlfriends and sex partners are a reward you get for being a man the right way, and even when he started talking about murder, he didn’t really stand out until after people were dead.
You probably don’t know any future spree killers, but it’s statistically almost certain you know someone who has already or will commit rape and/or intimate partner abuse. And the thing about those guys, that we know from research is, they think they’re normal. That every other guy does the same stuff behind closed doors. Enough do that they’re not exactly wrong. And we strengthen that feeling whenever we stay quiet when someone says some sketchy shit.
When you hear a co-worker talk about getting back with or back at an ex, remind him breakups are unilateral. Tell him it’s fine to be sad on his own time, but she’s made up her mind and he’s gotta move on. Ask him why he wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be around him anymore rather than try to find someone who does.
When your cousin complains bitterly about women rejecting him even though he thinks he was nice, say ‘Dude, don’t try to make them owe you. Go find someone who LIKES you’ Maybe no one will like this guy, but that doesn’t change the rules, and he’s more likely to be likable if he gets that shit out of his head.
When you hear guys joke about forcing a woman to have sex, remember they might not be joking. Or they might be, but someone else in earshot might be relieved to hear other guys do it too. Don’t laugh. Say ‘dude, people are gonna think you’re a rapist’ and see what happens. Make it awkward. I’m not the best at this either but we all gotta try.
When your female friends or girlfriend tell you some guy in your social circle creeps them out, stop inviting him to stuff. Offer to talk to the guy with or without mentioning them specifically. Things are already awkward, you’re just handing this dude back the awkward mess he’s already made. It’s ok for you to have ‘doesn’t creep out my other friends’ as a thing you require in a friend.
Don’t make women do this shit alone. It may be hard for you, but women take WAY more heat from guys when they do these same things. We gotta get our asses off the sidelines.”